


i'm scared to call them my friends (and be broken again)

by lesbiansailor



Category: Let's Play Cyberpunk Red - Polygon (Web Series)
Genre: (mostly), Amnesia, Body Modification, Canon Compliant, Cats, Cybernetics, First Meetings, Gen, M/M, Non-Chronological, Non-Linear Narrative, Panic Attacks, Pre-Canon, Sixnite, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:02:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26236102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbiansailor/pseuds/lesbiansailor
Summary: Cats (2019) is a major motion picture musical directed by Tom Hooper. It is based on a Broadway musical from the late twentieth century of the same name by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Despite the stage show’s popularity and the inclusion of many popular celebrities of the time, it was not well-received by critics or the general public for unknown reasons. In the early 2030s, there was a resurgence of the film and it was critically acclaimed and deemed a classic that was misunderstood in its time. Click thelinkto continue reading.Bradawl, Brandity. “Cats (2019): A Snapshot into the Past.”Night City Tribune.17 Nov 2044. Web.In which Vang0 learns to trust.
Relationships: Vang0 Bang0 & Dapper Dasha, Vang0 Bang0/Burger Chainz
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	i'm scared to call them my friends (and be broken again)

**Author's Note:**

> TW for a description of a panic attack/dissociating and intrusive thoughts
> 
> Special thanks to Pidge (pidgewings) for editing because I apparently don't know how words work!
> 
> Title is from "Beautiful Ghosts" by Taylor Swift from Cats (2019)

“Excuse me, Vang0 Bang0, can I have a few moments of your time?” said a voice Vang0 didn’t recognize. 

He jumped out of his skin and turned to a woman towering over him. She looked like a black cat through Vang0’s filter. and she towered over him. Bad luck, his mind supplied without prompt. As he looked up at her, Vang0 couldn’t help but agree with this assessment. She was dressed in all black and had a hard, serious expression on her face. He knew, without a doubt, that she was the type who could fuck him up real good without so much as a pistol. And judging from the glint of gold beneath her open jacket, she had more than just a pistol. He did not want to get on her bad side. 

“About what?” Vang0 squeaked. 

“Just some...things you may have seen around the area.” Her voice was smooth and confident, but that didn’t calm Vang0 down at all. He nodded, knowing he didn’t have a choice and followed her to a “secure location”. 

It was only a few blocks, but Vang0 felt his heart beating with every click-clack of her heels on the pavement. Had he done something wrong? Why was she questioning him, of all people? 

“We’ll be away from prying eyes and ears here,” she said as she opened the back door to a spray-painted van and ushered Vang0 inside. It wasn’t as bad as Vang0 had been expecting. He had prepared himself to be tied up in an abandoned warehouse with no way to reach his agent to start streaming.

The inside of the van was crowded, to say the least. It had purple shag carpeting that had more than a few suspicious stains on it. The sides were lined with various knick-knacks, including a lava lamp, plasma ball, and what looked like a fake fish dressed in a floral shirt and sunglasses. Vang0 had never seen one before but he somehow knew if he pressed the button on the bottom it would start singing loudly. He elected not to push the button. Music was playing so quietly that it could have been a gentle sort of ambiance if it weren’t for the fact that it was screamo music. 

Vang0 sat on the only clear spot on the floor and his interrogator shoved aside a pile of clothes to make room for herself.

“So, Vang-” she began before Vang0 interrupted her. 

“Who are you?”

Her face contorted into what seemed like a forced approximation of a smile and said, “That’s not what’s important. I-”

Vang0 hadn’t noticed anyone else in the van until a voice from the driver's seat spoke up. “I’m Burger Chainz and that’s Dapper Dasha, it’s nice to meet ya!” 

“Dasha,” the woman corrected his pronunciation, perhaps on instinct; she seemed to scold herself immediately afterward. 

The face of a Siamese cat appeared between the two front seats and smiled at Vang0 before disappearing again. As he turned, Vang0 caught a flash of red in one of Burger Chainz’s eyes. He briefly wondered if Burger had cybernetics before dismissing the thought. Even if he did, Vang0 did not want to know about it. 

It wasn’t that he was scared of cybernetics. They just, well, made him uncomfortable. The idea of grafting a foreign object onto skin gave him the heebie-jeebies. Plus, there was the whole cyberpsychosis thing. People becoming more unhinged with the more cyberparts they had- it made Vang0 jumpy and paranoid. Better to not know at all. 

(So maybe he was a little scared.) 

“So, uhh,” Vang0 tore his eyes away from the back of Burger’s seat to look back at Dasha. “what do you want?”

She smiled with a calculated warmness. “We just want to ask you some questions?”

Vang0 crossed his arms stubbornly. “And why should I answer? I could just leave right now.”

Vang0 saw Dasha shift some layers of her outfit to put her hand on a golden taser strapped to her belt.

“I wouldn’t do that if I was you,” Burger said, still in the same friendly tone. “Listen, kid, we don’t want you to wake up in a sewer drain across town with all your things gone missing, do we?” 

Vang0 was about to quip back something about “do your worst, I don’t have anything worth taking” before he remembered his laptop in his bag, thrown in haphazardly with a change of clothes and a toothbrush. He couldn’t lose that computer- it was the only thing that gave him any sense of identity. He didn’t know who he was other than Vang0 Bang0, forum moderator of jumptrash.net. He couldn’t lose that, too. 

“Fine,” he huffed. “What do you want to know?”

It was weird how nice they were, for interrogators. They wanted to know about some dealer Vang0 had heard about a few times on the forum. Vang0 didn’t feel like anything he said was particularly useful, but Dasha nodded and took notes on her agent, muttering something unintelligible under her breath. 

“Alright Burger, can you drop me off at Hypo’s? And then take Mr. Bang0 here home?”

The problem was that after Dasha hopped out of the van, Burger turned to him and said “Alright, where to?” and Vang0 did not have an answer for him.  
“Wherever is fine.” Vang0 pulled out his laptop to deflect some of the attention away from him. Burger kept staring at him.

“Ah shit, the library’s probably closed, huh?” When had it gotten dark outside?

“If it’s your laptop charge you’re worried about, there’s a plug to your left on the wall there. It’s not super speedy but it’ll get the job done.”

“Oh, uh, thanks.” Vang0 was taken aback by how nice he was. What was he playing at? Did he want something from Vang0?

“Do you want something?” Vang0 asked once he successfully plugged in his laptop. 

“No,” Burger said simply. 

“Okaaayy.” Vang0 went back to monitoring the forum. He got a message about creating a new server for _Friends_ roleplay, because that was taking over the general server.

“Do you want something?” Burger asked after a long stretch of silence. 

“No man, I’m good.” Vang0 kept his eyes on his screen even as he felt Burger looking at him. It was hard for him to resist the urge to tell him to mind his own business. But well. This was his van and his electricity charging Vang0’s computer. And while Vang0 was not too acquainted with politeness, he knew his way around shutting up so he didn’t get killed. 

But then the driver’s side door opened and Burger walked out. Vang0’s brain immediately started going a mile a minute. _Oh my god he’s going to lock me in here and I’m going to starve to death and die. He’s going to grab the cops and tell them I stole his car and they’re going to shoot me before I can even blink. He’s filled the van with carbon monoxide and is going to wait until I’m unconscious and-_

The back door to the van opened and Burger climbed in with a sheepish expression. “Want to play _Sixnite_?”

And Vang0 nodded numbly as Burger handed him a controller. Maybe this wasn’t going to end so badly. 

V B

Vang0 stepped into the shop cautiously. It looked like what Vang0 imagined an old-timey record shop would look like, the entire place crowded with stacks of art. The front room was small, only a few feet wide and most of it was taken up by a large, muscular man behind a desk who was covered in tattoos. 

Vang0 pretended to browse for a few seconds before giving up the pretense and walking to the desk. 

“Can I help you?” the man asked gruffly. 

Vang0 swallowed and kept his eyes carefully trained on one of the displays. Over the past few months, as he was saving up money, Vang0 had become extremely well-versed at avoiding looking at people’s faces. He couldn’t wait until he didn’t have to do that anymore. He hated looking at people’s faces. It released a deep curiosity within him. He would find himself analyzing the faces of strangers, trying to find familiarity in this, any hint of his past life. But he never got any hints, and the more time that passed, the more frustrated he got about it. It was easier to not look at all.

“I want a filter put in.”

“Sure, son. What’s your SIN?”

And, god, Vang0 was so stupid. Of course they would ask for his State Identification Number, he looked like he’s twelve. But he didn’t have one, woke up with nothing and didn’t have the money or social importance to get a government-issued SIN, or even a fake. 

Vango kept staring off into the distance as tears started to well up in his eyes. “I’m s-sorry. I don’t have one.” Vang0 was proud of how little his voice wavered. He knew that if he showed too much weakness. Weakness would get him killed out here. Maybe that’s why no one came looking for him. He was too weak.

“Ah, Jesus, kid, I’m sorry. I was just yanking your chain. I don’t give a fuck about the law or the cops or whatever.”

Vang0 wiped away his tears, angry at himself for crying so easily. “Really?”

“Yeah, uh, sorry for upsetting you. Come on back.” He pulled back the curtain behind him, revealing an operating chair next to tables full of surgical equipment and minuscule pieces of tech that Vang0 knew were soon going to be a part of him. 

“Oh,” the man said, “Make sure to grab whatever filter you want.”

Vang0 reached behind the counter to the art he had been staring at in lieu of making eye contact during the conversation. Vang0 remembered waking up alone in a warehouse. He remembered a skinny stray cat whose back was bumpy with flea eggs. He remembered how that cat rubbed against him, purring, and Vang0 felt warmth for the first time he remembered. He picked up the filter that said _Cats (2019)_ and walked into the operating area.

V B

Vang0 and Dasha weren’t friends. It wasn’t because of any animosity or bad blood between them, it was just how it was. Dasha might call Burger for a job or a ride and Vang0 was already in the van, like hell he was going to get out. Or Burger would go over to Dasha’s apartment and Vang0 would come too because that’s what he did. Sometimes Burger would have a job and Vang0 was already at Dasha’s apartment and he didn’t leave because Dasha had better wifi anyway. And sure, they would eat dinner together, but it was only because Burger insisted (he kept calling them family dinners and Vang0 would watch a range of emotions go over Dasha’s usually neutral face before she made eye contact with Vang0 and raised her eyebrows at him, to which he would simply shrug). 

But they weren’t friends. Dasha refused to call anyone, even Burger (the only person Vang0 had ever seen her talk to while not actively trying to get information out of them) anything but her “associate” or “colleague.” And Vang0 told anyone who would listen that he didn’t need anybody, thank you very much. When Dasha laughed and pointed out his seemingly codependent relationship with Burger, Vang0 claimed it was because he couldn’t shake him off. But at that Burger started pouting and Vang0 had to kiss the frown off of his face. 

But after the whole “besties” incident (seriously, who calls their group of friends that?), they shifted into something more akin to friendship. If getting into a bar fight over a useless black pill doesn’t bring you together, then little else will.

They were sitting at a diner. Not a nostalgia one, but a regular diner, with spinning pie displays, neon lights, and booths sticky with god-knows-what. 

“And then,” Burger said in an excited voice, “I hit him in the head with a stool! And the stool broke! D’ya guys remember that?”

“Yes, Burger, it was two hours ago,” Dasha said. She may have sounded exasperated to anyone who didn’t spend as much time around her as Vang0 did, but he was able to pick up on the traces of amusement in her voice. 

Vang0 rolled his eyes back at Dasha, making a face as if to say “can you believe this guy?”. She raised one eyebrow. Vang0 tried to do the same but found out he couldn’t. In his attempts to try, he contorted his face into something that he was sure looked like a mix of perplexed and constipated. 

And then a lot happened in the span of a few moments. First, Dasha burst out laughing. Or what Vang0 thought was laughing, as it sounded more like a strangled goose honk. Then, Burger looked at Vang0, half-metal smile wide on his face. Vang0 felt something warm and pleasant in his chest. Something he had been feeling a lot recently around these two. Vang0 found that he liked it. A lot. 

Dasha was still honk-laughing and Vang0 realized she was still a cat. Why was she still a cat? The filter is for strangers, not for fri- not for people like Dasha. 

Vang0 had never seen Dasha look like that, laugh like that. And judging by the bewildered look on Burger’s face, he hadn’t seen it either. Vang0 wanted to see her actual face, not her cat face, laugh like that. 

So Vang0 pulled out his agent and flipped through the settings. It was easier the second time, but still difficult for Vang0 to turn off the filter, even if it was just for Dasha. But he was incentivized by Dasha’s laughing petering off, a fast-approaching time limit. 

He felt Burger squeeze his arm and that gave Vang0 the final push of confidence he needed to turn off the filter and look at Dasha’s face. 

And she was beautiful. Of course she was, she was Dapper Dasha. 

She looked vaguely familiar and Vang0’s heart went cold, afraid that his worst fears had been confirmed. Was she someone he knew from before his amnesia? Did she know him and pretend not to out of politeness? 

Vang0’s heart was beating too fast and his breathing was speeding up and he couldn’t see or hear or feel. Thoughts bounced around his head too fast for him to comprehend them and he couldn’t think. Who was Dasha? Who was he? Who was Vang0?

Vang0. Vang0...Bang0. Vang0 Bang0. 

It took him a few moments to realize that he was saying that out loud. “Vang0 Bang0.”

Burger’s arm was around him, squeezing enough to bring Vang0 back to reality. Back to the harsh diner lights and the cup of black coffee sitting in front of him. It was stone cold. Not like Vang0 was going to drink it anyway.

“Are you doing better?” Dasha asked tentatively. She was never very good at comforting people, but her effort made Vang0’s eyes prickle. 

He nodded weakly, not looking up at her face. Afraid. 

“What happened?” Burger asked softly. They had seen him like this before, but usually there was a reason for it. Someone bringing up Vang0’s past, or the chat of his stream getting too intense. 

“I, uh.” His voice came out squeaky. He cleared his throat. “I turned off my filter for Dasha.”

“Oh, I, uh. You didn’t have to- I mean, I’m sorry that made you pani- uh” She paused and collected herself. “Thank you.”

“I’m proud of you!” Burger said, and Vang0 felt himself blush. “But I don’t understand why that made you upset?”

Burger was honest and sincere and blunt about his thoughts. And while Vang0 sometimes got annoyed that he had to spell things out for Burger, it was good for him. It helped remind Vang0 of what he needed to communicate. Because, well, he’s not always the best at that.

“Dasha,” Vang0 said, nerves wringing his stomach. “Why do you look familiar?”

Her brown eyes, unchanged though the filter was gone, widened in realization and horror. “Oh I. Fuck. I’m so sorry. I’m a poser, I should have warned you. I look like Winona Ryder.”

“Oh.” Vang0 was relieved. It was just a mistake. Dasha wasn’t hiding anything from his past from him. He could trust her. “Who?” he asked, which was met with two loud, dramatic gasps.

V B

It turns out that Burger was hard to shake. After that first night, when Dasha had found them shouting in victory over finishing in the top twenty-five, Burger had stuck to Vang0 like glue, despite Vang0’s protests. Vang0 tried unsuccessfully to brush him off (“I’m more of a lone wolf.” “Everybody needs a friend!”) and lose him in the crowded Night City alleys. But once that proved near-impossible, Vang0 accepted Burger into his life. 

More often than not, Vang0 would fall asleep in Burger’s van and wake up swaddled in blankets next to him. Vang0 would accompany Burger on jobs, usually too busy monitoring jumptrash.net to even get out of the van. Burger and Vang0 played _Sixnite_ together on Burger’s console. Burger would always die in the first few minutes but Vang0 would still snag his fair share of almost-victories.

After the fourth time Vang0 made it to the top fifty in one night, Burger said, “You know, you’re really good. You could probably stream this.”

Vang0 laughed and bumped Burger with his shoulder. “Please,” he scoffed, “Who would even watch that?”

“I would.” Burger rubbed the back of his neck. Vang0 could feel the heat rising in his cheeks. Well, he was looking for ways to build his online brand.

This particular day a few months later wasn't anything particularly special. Burger and Vang0 had gotten messy shrimp tacos from a questionable street vendor. They were sitting on a park bench near the docks (the rotting fish smell did not make the tacos more appealing) watching as the sun set, painting the sky in brushstrokes of orange and pink and purple. 

Burger was laughing at something dumb Vang0 had said. Vang0 couldn’t remember what. And Vang0 could never resist Burger’s laugh and started giggling along with him. 

And Vang0 realized that he was happy. He was relaxed and aware of it, enjoying it for the first time he could remember. 

“What’s wrong?” Burger asked, a frown etching his face. His Siamese cat face, not his real face. Not for the first time, Vang0 wondered what Burger actually looked like beneath the filter. 

“It’s nothing,” Vang0 said, offering Burger a light smile. Burger immediately flashed one back, shrugging and taking another huge bite out of his taco. 

Hands shaking, Vang0 fiddled with his agent. Was he really going to do this? He stared at the digital “confirm” button as if it was going to either dissuade or confirm his fears. It did not. It was just a button.

“Are you going to finish that?” Burger asked in a way that was so purely Burger that it made Vang0’s heart warm and gave him the confidence to press the button. 

He looked up and saw Burger shrug and scoop up Vang0’s taco. But he didn’t see the cat face he was used to, but an entirely new one. They two were extremely similar, but Vang0 had never been able to appreciate how attractive Burger was. 

His hair was ginger and floofy and Vang0 wanted nothing more than to run his hands through it. His left eye was cybernetic, a cold, impassive red that didn’t match the Burger that Vang0 knew. But his other eye was green and shining, squinting from the concentration of trying to get the taco in his mouth with as little mess as possible. His skin was mottled with scar tissue where it made a seam with the metal jaw grafted on.

Vang0 knew Burger had cybernetics. He knew it because Burger once tripped into the van and Vang0 heard the clang on metal on metal. He knew it because Burger always fell asleep before Vang0, a sharp metal corner of him jutting into Vang0’s side as Burger was slumped up against him. He knew it because he knew Burger. Better than he knew anybody. Maybe better than he had ever known anybody. 

Burger had cybernetics. And Vang0 trusted him. He knew Burger was sound of mind and, more importantly, heart. He didn’t feel the dread he used to feel around cybernetically-enhanced people, because this was Burger and Vang0 was never anything but happy to see him. 

Vang0 knew he was staring at Burger, but he couldn’t help it. Burger was his best (and only) friend in the world, and Vang0 did not want to ruin that. But Burger was handsome and rugged and Vang0 could not look away. 

Feelings Vang0 had pushed down began bubbling up again. A desire to run his hands through Burger’s hair and touch him softly, tenderly. To cuddle up with him on purpose, in broad daylight, rather than in the plausible deniability of the cold van. More than anything, Vang0 wanted to kiss Burger. 

“What?” Burger asked when he noticed Vang0. “Do I have something on my face?”

“Nah,” Vang0 smiled. There was plenty of time for that, he was just going to enjoy the cat-free moment.


End file.
